This is not my typical kind of facebook post or blog. This is real and a glimpse into my daily life as a military spouse. For the most part I am very happy, easy going, do whatever it takes, etc. kind of girl. I LOVE my life and even more so my family, friends, and talking about health & fitness. Shoot, working out makes me feel alive & eating clean and healthy keeps me feeling energized and light on my feet. Running, well let's not get started there! Sun on my skin, pavement under my feet, heart pounding in my chest, music in the ears, with no thoughts but my own. Pure bliss!! But that's just a small part of my life. There is so much more going on and I feel now is as good a time than ever to give you glimpse to what makes me tick.
Well, this marks our *maybe* 10th deployment since I've been with my husband. (To be honest we've lost count) I've learned the routine, I know how the days go leading up to it, the first few weeks, the ending and even the home coming. One trip a year will teach you the consistencies and expectations, but to be honest it doesn't ever actually get any easier. Sure, in the beginning when it's all so new you get that "angry, annoying, fighting stage" where you're just at each other about everything and so when it's time to say good-bye it's more of a relief than sadness. The thing about all of that though is that you're only fooling yourself, you're going to miss all those silly bickering moments, those annoying habits, and the contant running around that MUST be done THAT DAY.
But then comes the day when you actually get bitter sweet about the upcoming trip. You grow closer together, do more favors for each other, spend quality time as a family and just feel like you're in utter bliss. I think as a family that's very important especially with kids. If you think it's tough for you to say good-bye to your spouse think of how your child feels or even the parent who is having to leave. I see if in my 6 year olds eyes at night. It's heart breaking. It wasn't always this way though.
You see when Aiden was younger these trips were very easy for him. Our son was such a busy body and into everything that daddy being gone didn't really phase him. It was just another day that daddy was at work. No big deal. Last year, Aiden was 5, that all changed. He now understands what's going on and it gets to him. We did ok during our last trip of course we made each day the best we could. Lots of cuddles, a special count down jar and even a trip to visit family back in the states. Oh I forgot to mention we're stationed overseas, so it totally puts a different spin on being "a single parent".
So, another year has passed, 6 years old, 1st grade and even more emotions and comprehending what's going on. He misses daddy a whole lot and it shows in several ways. Sometimes it's hard for the kids to understand their feelings and how to express how they feel. Aiden does talk about it, but sometimes the things he says can really hurt. He doesn't mean for it to be that way, but to stand there and be the only parent to comfort and help him and myself be ok is a very tough job to do. Not to mention teaching him right from wrong when he says things that are hurtful to yourself, but knowing it's the only way he knows how to express how he's feeling.
For example last night he was tired and probably annoyed that dinner wasn't ready. I asked him to just pull out some veggies to microwave and a corn dog for himself. I know, not the best choices, but we do what we gotta do. Anyways, all because I was slaving away in the kitchen, running behind, and asked him to put the veggies in first he just opens the flood gates. "I wish you were in the air force and gone and that daddy was here" "I love daddy so much more than you" Just stab a fork in me and call me Done! He said this all so calmly that all I could do was turn and calmly tell him to go to his room. I honestly think the monotone in my voice struck him. Instant sobbing and without arguing walked to his bedroom.
This is where it's hard as the parent who is home and not gone. You have to be the mom & dad. The understanding and nurturing one and the teaching you a lesson from right & wrong parent. Such a fine line to hold day in and day out. We had a good mom & son talk about what he said and that's it's ok to miss your daddy, but also that it's not ok to say things in that way. Just the way that he hurts inside is how his words hurt mommy. To me it's important that Aiden understands that we all miss each other and it's good to talk about it, but we have to be kind with our words and not hurt feelings when we're sad or upset. It's not that his words actually hurt me, I have thick skin and have prepared for these things. It's the fact that I have to see my little boy hurt like that and to learn such lessons. You wish you could take all the heartache away and allow him to live a normal little kids life.
Now don't get me wrong. I love our life as a military family. I am proud of my husband for doing his duty, keeping us safe, and protecting others while away. I would not change our life for the world! Seems silly that I would even have to stand my ground on that matter, but I know it's necessary. I'm only putting our story out there to show others that we're all the same. No matter how many times you've been through a deployment, the number of kids you have, the type of job your spouse has in the military, we are all the same.
I am sure this isn't the last time we'll have nights like this. But we have survived this night (a very long one at that!) and will get through the next couple of months in the same way. I will share that we have a special countdown sign for Aiden to keep track with. He even has a pillow with a picture of daddy & him on it and a puppy with daddies voice recorded into it. Of course we've talked with facetime a few times and that helps so much too. Every day is a new journey and we will all continue to keep it together as best as possible until we're all together again. Even if we have a few stumbles along the way and need to take a break to just cuddle.
For all you other military families please reach out to others and know that you are NEVER alone in this. No matter the issue or celebration talk to a friend or family member. Keep busy (find a workout partner) and mark each day off as one day closer to being together again!
